Journal 5/3/04

5/3/04

I’ve been writing some in another journal hand written. [Web-Author's note: I have as of yet been unable to locate this journal.] I almost said hard copy - what a nerd I can be sometimes. I should transfer it here for a complete picture. Honestly though I haven’t written as much as I wish I had been. I pretty much stopped when I went out to see Dr. Loggie. Life seems more normal now - or at least for a reprieve. Kat asked me a question that really made me think about how I feel about things since coming back from Omaha. I realized that I haven’t been thinking about it and I don’t exactly know what to feel. Do I feel better and more normal? Yes somehow (denial in some form perhaps?). Do I have a life threatening disease still - -technically yes, except I do believe part of me believes that I have (we have) overcome this. Sometimes I think about people who have something like asthma who live everyday with a threat to their life. I am thankful not to have that problem.

So I’ve been thinking a lot on and off. I don’t think I’ll even be able to get it all down in one session so I’ll just ramble and go where the story takes me. Tonight I was thinking about this normal thing - or rather that I feel more like myself - my normal self. That’s a true statement. So looking back - what made me ‘not me’ before? Was it stress? Medication? Surgical menopause? The unknowns? All of the above? Was it fear of death and now I can almost go back to being immortal? I put the death beast at bay. But that me before WAS me wasn’t it?! A part of me that I had not seen before. Why now, can I handle what comes even though it may include some of the same things as before? Well one thing I have to mention here is that I know I am doing the right things. It has been absolutely amazing. The more I listen and act on the intuition and ‘coincidence’ and the more I listen to the messages that come my way, the more messages I get. I joke that I am becoming the John Edwards for the living. The first time I thought this was when David Rachlin got locked out of his office and when he complained about not being able to leave his office without being locked out, I made the out of nowhere remark that he should instead ask himself why he was at work at that time of day on a Friday instead of where he really wanted to be …. I paused here and he filled in with he was supposed to be meeting his kids on the ski slopes. We parted at that time and on the way home I was like - oh my god - That was none of my business and I don’t know where it came from.

The most recent event involves Cindi - she had surgery last Friday 4/30 to remove what her Dr. was 80% sure was kidney cancer. It’s not. It’s rare, they don’t know what yet, but it’s not looking cancerous HURRAY!. Anyway - I, by chance (um yeah right) ran into one the pmpbellyutton chat a young woman, Marisa, who I didn’t know. She makes bracelets to help raise money for cancer research and to help her brother. She has a website that lists the colors for different cancer types. Kidney cancer wasn’t there, and I almost didn’t ask, but I did, and she had just walked in from buying kelly green beads - the kidney cancer color. Someone else had asked for one specifically but she had to buy more beads than she needed. I had her make one for Cindi and one for me. From a couple years back I knew what size Cindi needed (I get a kick out of that piece of information). I knew I needed to buy one for Cindi. I almost thought myself out of it, but I followed my first reaction. Then I worried that Cindi might want to just get on with it and not wear a bracelet like that. Turns out she wanted one and what thinking of asking Laurie to make one for her! Yeah! And it arrived in time for me to give it to her the day after her surgery.

NUTRITION: This has been one of 2 most recent messages repeated and repeated. The other is writing - not as strong as nutrition but still repeated. But back to food. (Oh hmmm I guess I am rambling because I was intending to write a lot more about me now and me then. Back to that later). I need to change the way I eat. Been dragging my feet. Instead have been stuffing my face with sweets, dessert, candy and LOTS of food. 25+ pounds put back on since the surgery - shame shame and yikes!. So I am trying a dies based on your blood type. For me, O, protein, veggies and fruit, little dairy, little wheat/grain. 2 big changes there, but it’s been manageable. I started a database with information from the diet. I will add others and compare - see where the roads cross. Isn’t that just my way - ! Hee hee but if it keeps the interest and I learn that way, then there’s value. I think my arthritis might be a little better, but it’s hard to tell. My arms have been bothering me a lot the last 2 weeks and my patience with that is wearing thin. We shall see. I do know I lost at least a little weight because the pants that were last week tight enough to truly be uncomfortable are not so this week. That was/IS very motivating. And I’ve managed to fit it in with the regular meals pretty well. I finally tried kale! That was a big hump to get over. Mom’s been sending me soy milk for a couple of years now to try. Until recently I didn’t really even try it. Now I am eating cereal with soy milk. Tada for me! It’s not even that bad. So fo course I am not perfect on the diet. But it makes allowances. For example, it says - you should get dairy out of your diet. There are no beneficial dairy foods for my blood type. The allowance is 0-3 times a week (or close) for each of milk, cheese, and yogurt.

I can’t leave out how I came to get that book and another called (are you ready?) Patient Heal Thyself” Remember when I was so stuck on that saying Physician heal thyself? That one took awhile too and made it’s way to me, along with the Blood Type diet book, via Rhonda. And she knew she needed to tell me about those 2 books. Then on the same day, Cheryl in STA gave me a container of the exact some multi-vitamin that I take. I mentioned them when I saw them on the shelf in her office and she can’t take them so she gave them to me. This came shortly after I re-mentioned about Casey thinking you shouldn’t take vitamins when you are ill because it’s just one more thing for you body to cleanse out.

The writing message came specifically from Mom. Earlier even I wanted to write about this a lot - thus the journal. But I didn’t say too much about it. Then Mom’s comment - then Kat’s comment from Nebraska. She is a published writer, although I still haven’t found out exactly what she’s writing. About her life I think, So she asked if I wanted some writing reference books.

I’m really tired, so I think I’ll try some automatic writing and I drift off, or something like that. But now I’m wondering if that’s worth anything. Ouch I just got that message. SO God, tell me if you’re going to come down and take care of… No I can’t I’m too tired. I think I’ll take a little nap instead. Once upon a time there was a little girl who went through an operation and felt even littler when she was done. Once day , her friends came to play with her and even tho it was so very HOT out she was just fine. It was hard to loop at here. Going away like that.